textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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