So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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