if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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