last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
