you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
