Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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