my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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