i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
