If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
