When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
