I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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