He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
