That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
