I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
be right there i have to get my cape
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
