I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh god it's open bar.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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