Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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