i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
