I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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