mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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