Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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