i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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