Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I have fence marks all over my body
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
