im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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