someone owes me an orgasm
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
