Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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