it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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