Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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