sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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