My liver just broke up with me...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
