Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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