I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
