call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
