get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
