she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
