i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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