I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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