my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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