xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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