I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
