who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
