He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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