Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
