i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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