don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
