her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
