Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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