i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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