i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
