We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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