I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
