I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
