I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
