So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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