I accidentally had phone sex last night
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
