My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
